No theme music tonight. Jerry Lawler's still selling what happened at the hands of King Booker last week (which is why he wasn't at Saturday Night's Main Event), so Tazz is subbing on color commentary. Randy Orton is already in the ring as we come on the air. He is, of course, gloating about what he did less than 48 hours ago to John Cena, and has the footage replayed several times. His promo is interrupted by Vince McMahon, who wants to address his sitch.

Mr. McMahon has narrowed the possibilities, cut them in half, in fact. His "illegitimate child" is a son. He wishes said offspring had some of Randy's more sociopathic attributes, but wasn't a greedy gold digger, as Vince paints Shane & Stephanie. Cena is arriving in the arena, and makes his way out. Orton vacates the ring. Cena tells Vince he & the fans don't like him because the chairman is arrogant and pompous, among other things. Vince insinuates he may have actually been with the champ's mom, but that only serves to rile Cena, who slaps McMahon upside the head and knocks him down. Vince leaves with Orton, and makes a non-title match for Cena vs. Snitsky. He claimed Snitsky is undefeated, ignoring Snitsky's won-loss record during his 1st tour of duty on Raw.

McMahon had also claimed that if Cena didn't make it to Summerslam somehow, he'd strip the champ of the title. In the words of the late Gorilla Monsoon, highly unlikely.

Match 1; Melina & Beth Phoenix vs. Candice Michelle & Mickie James After the combatants were introduced, GM William Regal, the Simon Templar of the WWE, came out and announced a diva battle royal for Summerslam, the winner of which, be she from Raw, Smackdown, or ECW, would get a title shot. And as I've typed these words, the match is over already, with the women's champ scoring the pinfall. Winners: Candice Michelle & Mickie James.

Post-match, Mickie turned on Candice for the duration and threw her out. Melina tossed Mickie, but then Beth turned on Melina and threw her over the top. They focused on Candice and Beth, who've already started a program on the road.

Talking head time. Regal is on the phone when interrupted by Santino Marella, who is still upset that Maria is out on a date with Ron Simmons, the result of the Dating Game 2 weeks ago. Regal, after being insulted by Marella, orders the former IC champ to stay away. Of course, you know the opposite is likely to happen.

King Booker & Queen Sharmell have extended an invitation to Triple H to appear tonight, and refer to the PPV as the "Summerslam Games". Do they know something we don't?

Vince McMahon is now joined by Jonathan Coachman. They contemplate the possibility of HHH (the real-life son-in-law) being the son, but dismiss it quickly. They encounter Val Venis, whose worked past as a porno star is brought into play. Coach thinks it might be because of Vince's philandering. Vince rips Shane a few new ones, and suggests that the son should be a generous, magnanimous sort. Daivari gives him his turban, but is quickly dismissed. Vince thinks the kid should be a competitor, like the convienently appearing Ken Kennedy.

Match 2: Cody Rhodes vs. Shelton Benjamin (w/Charlie Haas) Follow-up from last week, when Rhodes beat Haas. Since we're in North Carolina, you figure, Benjamin evens the score here, but that isn't to be. This deserved more time than it got. Rhodes hit a series of clotheslines and dropkicks, setting up a running bulldog. As with Haas last week, Benjamin came out of the bulldog a tad early. Benjamin went for a Boston Crab, and Rhodes reversed into a cradle for the fall. Winner: Cody Rhodes.

Post-match, Haas attacked Rhodes, and the World's Greatest Tag Team left the rookie lying. Have to wonder who will team with Cody next week.

Match 3: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. Paul London & Brian Kendrick (non-title) Somewhere in San Antonio, Shawn Michaels has to be proud, seeing three of his students (Cade, Kendrick, & London) in the same ring together. Again, this match deserved more time, as had it taken place at, say, Wrestlemania, this would've been a showcase match that would've made all four men. I digress. After the former WWE tag team champs hit a double plancha on Cade & Murdoch, Cryme Tyme came through the crowd and took Murdoch's cap off the ringpost. They then auctioned off the cap for $2. That distracted Murdoch, and left Cade all alone. Kendrick tagged in and promptly pinned Cade with a crucifix. Winners: Paul London & Brian Kendrick.

The King & Queen are on their way, as they're trying again for an official coronation.

At a remote restaurant, Ron Simmons & Maria are ordering dinner. Santino has caught up, and has chosen Jillian Hall for his date. Simmons is finding menu items that rhyme with "Damn!". Maria, dumber than a bag of rocks as usual, lets Santino & Jillian join them. That can't be good.

Now, King Booker & Queen Sharmell are in the ring. They replay what happened to Lawler last week, after a promo by Booker. Booker calls out Triple H, but an imposter (Ace Steel, I would guess) comes out and dutifully performs the honors. Booker & Sharmell then move to the desk, and after excusing Tazz, force JR to kiss the ring. JR won't do it willfully, so Sharmell shoves him into the ring, and Booker pushes him back into the chair. Pathetic.

They replay the attack on JR, and Tazz makes excuses. Back at the restaurant, Jillian, who convienently brought a WWE mic with her, sings karaoke. A waiter reads a prepared statement of some kind. Things are getting tense, and why would Santino bring up beating Umaga, unless......

Yep, the IC champ is the guest in Carlito's Cabana. This will be interesting. Carlito has to carry the conversation by himself, since the key to Umaga's gimmick is that he doesn't speak. The Samoan Bulldozer, though, is curiously going through the apple barrel as Carlito talks. Mr. Kennedy comes out, and again brags about taking out Bobby Lashley. Even though Carlito had issued a challenge to Umaga for the IC title, Kennedy wants the shot, too. Umaga marks his territory, if you will, by clocking Kennedy with a savate kick to the face, and destroys the Cabana set. Umaga leaves, and as William Regal comes out, the GM has to assure Umaga everything's okay. Regal then sets up a #1 contender's match for the IC title....NEXT!

Match 4: Mr. Kennedy vs. Carlito 1st meeting between these two. By default, it seems, Carlito is back to playing face. Haven't seen him break out the springboard elbow drive since turning heel a while back. He misfired on the move however, and Kennedy maintained control. Kennedy rammed Carlito into the post, knocking the former IC & US champ to the floor. Carlito was slumped in front of the steps, and Kennedy booted him in the chest as we went to break. Back from said break, and the action is back in the ring, with Kennedy in firm control. However, Carlito comes roaring back, and serves up a receipt, sending Kennedy to the post. A dropkick nets a 2. So does a neckbreaker. Carlito goes up top, hoping for perhaps a missile dropkick. Kennedy meets him, and crotches him sternum first on the top turnbuckle. Kennedy sets up the Green Bay Plunge, but Carlito counters out and hits a superplex. They seemed to have the same idea, as both went for a cradle at the same time. The result, according to ref Chad Patten, is that both men were pinned at the same time. Winner: None. Match is ruled a draw.

Regal comes back out and makes it a triple threat for Sunday with Carlito & Kennedy challenging Umaga.

One last time at the restaurant. Santino was trying to be polite in front of Jillian & Maria, but his jealous side comes out, and threatens Ron Simmons. Simmons shoves the waiter into Santino, spilling some food onto Marella. Maria offers a mere napkin. Nice to know someone's being consistent. Simmons' reaction? Well, you know.....!

JR & Tazz run down the Summerslam card. Vince is with Melina backstage. Uh-oh. Coach brings a copy of the new Diva magazine. Melina leaves when Snitsky appears. Snitsky claims he never knew his parents or his family, only pain. He even volunteers that maybe he's the son, and says Cena's pain will be his pleasure.

Match 5: John Cena vs. Snitsky (non-title) You knew going in that Randy Orton would factor into the match somehow. Snitsky dominated and had Cena on the ropes after a boot to the face. Cena would come back as he always does, and hit the Sicilian Slice, which barely grazed Snitsky's neck. Cena sets up for the FU, but that's when Orton shows up. Snitsky slides off and Orton hits the RKO. He'd hit a 2nd one after the match ended, and the show closed with Orton staring a hole into the title belt. Winner: John Cena via DQ.

Raw will be on Sci-Fi next week due to tennis.