No theme music tonight. Instead, Vince McMahon is first out of the gate. Unfortunately, he's accompanied by that walking buzzkiller, Jonathan Coachman. Quite simply, Vince is tired of the games, and wants to learn the identity of his "bastard son" right now, which means it'll be held back 'til the end of the show. The Great Khali & Runjin Singh are out. Khali speaks rather clearly, albeit still in Punjabi, and Singh translates that Khali sees it as an honor to be considered as Vince's son. The same, sadly, can also be said for another Smackdown personality, John Bradshaw Layfield, who cuts a promo of his own, ragging on Khali as he goes, giving more proof that his role model isn't so much Vince but Foghorn Leghorn. JBL & Vince have so much in common it's scary.

Next is Jeff Hardy, who actually thinks the opposite, and talks about getting weird messages on his answering machine. The lawyer for the child's mother appears on the TitanTron and says that the son isn't Jeff, which makes the "rainbow-haired warrior" happy, albeit the only thing he & Vince might agree on. However, the Chairman puts Jeff in against Khali in a champion-vs.-champion non-title tilt later.

Match 1: Paul London (w/Brian Kendrick) vs. Lance Cade (w/Trevor Murdoch) Our first bout is what amounts to a captains' match. The title changes that took place in South Africa are acknowledged, so Cade & Murdoch are now 3-time tag team champions. Likewise, JR brings up that WWE champion John Cena has been barred from the building for attacking William Regal last week. Not sure, but I think Randy Orton might also be barred, and it would only be fair if he was. I digress. Pretty even match, and one must imagine the many sparring sessions Cade had with London and/or Kendrick studying under HBK. The finish saw Murdoch get on the apron, drawing the attention of ref John Cone. Big mistake on Trev's part, as Kendrick runs in and hits Sliced Bread #2 on Cade for the 2nd straight week. London with a running shooting star press, and that is all. Winner: Paul London.

Backstage, Triple H is busy putting together a sign to sell his new shirt, as JR mentions that Carlito has selected the Cerebral Assassin's opponent for tonight. Hunter scurries off as we go to break.

The Cena-Orton angle is recapped, and Coach brags about barring Cena from the building. Orton, apparently, IS on the grounds. Don't you just hate when they reward criminal behavior? Anyway, Coach also talks up a fan poll on WWE.com where fans picked who they thought might be the "bastard son". Stevie Richards of ECW is #2, and Vince greets him with a handshake and belly laughs. Even he knows that Stevie couldn't possibly be the one. He cringes, however, when Coach tells him that Triple H (the real-life son-in-law) was voted #1.

Speaking of Hunter, Todd Grisham interviews Carlito, who confirms that he has picked HHH's opponent for tonight. He says it's someone who's beaten HHH before (i.e. Orton), but he wants HHH to pay attention after because it'll be Carlito who may be Hunter's daddy. Yeah, right!

Match 2: Triple H vs. Shelton Benjamin (w/Carlito) Ok, I get it. It's been nearly 3 1/2 years since Benjamin beat HHH in two consecutive matches on Raw. Does Benjamin still have "The Game"'s number? Not this time. Even Carlito's attempts at interference aren't enough. Early on, Benjamin is rammed shoulder-first into the post. To the floor they go, and Benjamin is tossed onto Carlito's lap. Back from break, and we see that Benjamin took control thanks to a distraction from Carlito and a Dragon Whip. Unfortunately for the former All-American from Minnesota, that's the last burst of offense he can sustain. HHH takes control again with a high knee to the head and a turnaround spinebuster. Carlito tries again to distract, but Helmsley avoids the Stinger Splash and hits the Pedigree. Ballgame. Winner: Triple H.

Post-match, Carlito tried to attack with a chair, but HHH disarmed him and sent the former US & IC champ running. Coach came out and said that at Unforgiven, it'll be HHH-Carlito, with a no-DQ stip added to favor Carlito only. That doesn't always work. In fact, I don't think it ever has.

Another look at the security detail outside the arena. Randy Orton is on his way to the ring. Why they don't suspend this unrepentant, psychotic sociopath 'til the PPV, I don't know.

Back from break, and here comes the "Legend Killer". Security surrounds the ring, too. Orton cuts a too-predictable promo on Cena, but whaddya know! Cena, a former schoolboy football player, shreds the security wall like it was a weak defensive line. Orton flees as security huddles to hold Da Champ back.

Backstage, Vince isn't happy with Coach, and why not? Coach didn't do his job completely. Cena and security are coming through, and the action stops long enough for Cena to cut a promo to Vince, packed with pure emotion, telling it to the chairman, man-to-man, that what he will do to Orton is something even Vince can understand. Security finally herds Cena out of the building.

Match 3: Mickie James vs. Jillian Hall Candice Michelle joins the announcers for this match, which makes Jerry Lawler very happy. Return match from a few weeks back. Jillian won the last meeting, but makes the mistake of trying to hit all her moves too early. The tide turns with a failed handspring elbow drop, and Mickie wins it with a roundhouse kick to the head. Call it the Mick Kick 2.0. Winner: Mickie James.

The former champion, however, has little time to celebrate, as Beth Phoenix, Candice's opponent at Unforgiven, attacks both combatants after the match. Candice tries to go after the challenger herself, but is also destroyed, as Beth lays her out with a fisherman buster.

Match 4: Santino Marella vs. The Sandman For now, take Marella off the suspended list and the disabled list. Marella cuts a promo pre-match putting over the passing of opera legend Luciano Pavarotti, and ripping the DVD release next week of "The Condemned". Well, he's taking being a heel like a duck to water. Unfortunately, this match isn't much of a showcase for either man. Sandman appeared to injure his left ankle trying to stop himself on the bottom turnbuckle, and Marella got heat on him, working on the injured limb. Near the end of the match, Sandman did a plancha over the top onto Marella, and the brawl resumed, ending when Marella took the Singapore cane out of its housing, and used it on Sandman. Winner: Sandman via DQ.

Marella tried to break the cane across his knee post-match, but nearly broke the knee instead. LOL!

Backstage, Maria is with Ron Simmons. They'd watched the last match and Maria reveals that Marella "hasn't been himself lately", dating back to the Dating Game last month. Gee, y'think? Maria believes it may be time to put a halt to their relationship. Santino sees them and attacks Simmons, laying him out. He even throws that catchphrase up in Simmons' face, figuratively, anyway.

The next segment might as well be sponsored by Marshmallow Fluff, because it's Diva Search time again. This year's competition is exclusively on WWE.com, which may save some air time over the next two months.

JR & Lawler run down the Unforgiven card.

Match 5: Great Khali (w/Runjin Singh) vs. Jeff Hardy (non-title) Squashola!!! There was no way Hardy could beat a monster two weeks in a row. It was one thing to beat Umaga for the IC title last week, but Khali? Not a chance. Khali swatted aside the Whisper in the Wind, then hit a standing spin kick. He followed that up with the Punjabi Vise Grip, and once he was sure he'd sucked the air out of Hardy, Khali released the hold and put one foot on Hardy for the pin.
Winner: Great Khali.

Post-match, Batista made a surprise appearance and speared Khali out of the ring, setting up their non-title meeting on Smackdown this Friday, advertised earlier.

Coach & Vince are on their way to the ring. The unveiling of the "bastard son" is next, and maybe there's a clue in this sentence.

Vince & Coach lead every male superstar across the three brands into the ring. Well, almost every male superstar. Mr. Johnson, the lawyer, appears on the TitanTron again, and gives Vince a series of clues, "in accordance with his client's wishes", with the mother's identity remaining a secret. Team ECW is eliminated first, and then it comes out that the "son" is white. That eliminates Mark Henry, MVP, and Benjamin. The "son" has blonde hair, which takes out Jim Duggan, Chuck Palumbo, Jamie Noble, and Matt Hardy, among others. He's an individual title-holder, past or present, which leaves HHH, JBL, and Sandman. Johnson says the "son" loves to play the game, which suggests and teases that it's HHH, which would add another layer to his issue with Crazy Vinnie. However, it is instead cruiserweight champion Hornswoggle, who'd been under the ring the entire time. Hunter, who'd been angry before, now is having a few laughs at the chairman's expense, and gives 'Swoggle a high-five. 'Swoggle, who is really from nearby Oshkosh, gets a face pop, as did the in absentia Ken Kennedy, who Vince said was suspended "for impersonating a McMahon", which is code for saying that Kennedy is gone for 30 days for violating the Wellness Policy. The crowd is absolutely loving it, and 'Swoggle even puts his hat on Vince's head to end the show. The chairman is SO not digging!