We start by recapping the saga of John Cena vs. Randy Orton, going back to the 8/27 show, leading to Unforgiven, and some payback from the Cenas.

In the ring, Da Champ is the first man out, and there's no opening music again. Cena's acknowledging the boos again, but gives thanks to the crowd, his dad, Orton, and Jon Coachman, the latter for making the Last Man Standing match. Maybe he was better off not doing so, as Coach comes out and says he would've stripped Cena of the title for pushing the interim GM last night. However, he's put the elder Cena in a match for tonight vs. Orton. Naturally, the criminal element takes care of themselves.

Match 1: Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin (Intercontinental Championship) This should be off the hook, and then some. The two combatants have 7 IC titles between them, and they're selling the idea that Hardy may not be 100% after losing to Great Khali last week. Well, this ends up being the match of the night, IMPO. Hardy had the Dragon Whip well scouted and ducked it. Benjamin blocked the Twist of Fate with a backbreaker for 2. Hardy went up for the Swanton, but Benjamin met him in one bound on the top rope. Hardy pushed him off and hit the Swanton to end it. Winner: Jeff Hardy.

Diva Search volleyball highlights. There will be a pause while people ask, "who cares?". They'll show the Diva Limbo video tomorrow.

Vince McMahon is in his limo, and is joined by Coach. He doesn't care what Coach has done for tonight's card, he wants his assistant to take care of Hornswoggle, who's sitting in a child safety seat, munching on Lucky Charms. He orders Coach out of the limo, instructing him to take the cruiser champion with him. 'Swoggle gets himself out of the car seat and leaves, with the seat nearly landing in the chairman's lap! Hilarious!

Backstage, John Cena tries to talk his father out of the match vs. Orton. Hey, I don't blame him. It isn't working, so Cena stalks off.

Meanwhile, Santino Marella is trying to talk to his estranged girlfriend, Maria. Jillian Hall answers the door and says Maria doesn't want to talk to Marella after what happened to Ron Simmons last week. She agrees Simmons deserved it, but Jillian then proposes that she & Santino do a duet later. Santino comes up with a better idea. Hall was in tweener mode here, as she took offense to Marella's criticism of "The Condemned" and Britney Spears.

Vince & Coach reach the chairman's office, to find that Hornswoggle is playing some Irish music and has redecorated the room. He emerges from behind some balloons, and evades Coach & Vince, with Coach chasing him.

Not only that, but Vince finds a "unicorn" (actually a horse with a party favor taped on his head) in his office.

Match 2: Daivari vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan (flag match) Daivari is representing Iran in this match, which is weird, considering he's as American as Duggan is. The gimmick is so 25 years ago, it isn't funny anymore. Glorified squash. Daivari's best move was trying to take out the legs of Duggan, but just as he's about to retrieve the Iranian flag, Duggan crotches Daivari on the top rope. Across the ring they go, and Duggan is poised to claim Old Glory. Daivari comes from the outside, then wishes he hadn't. Duggan sends him to the floor with a headbutt, then takes the flag. Hoooooo!Winner: Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Cody Rhodes petitions Coach to let him replace John Cena, Sr. vs. Orton. Coach refuses the request. No shock there. Cena confronts the power-mad interim GM, who then gives the champ a match against a mystery opponent with a caveat. If Cena wins, his father's match is off. If not, it's still on. Cena is pissed.

Back from break, and Vince is out to call out Hornswoggle. Happy hour's about to come to an end, friends.

Vince puts on a happy face at first, pretending to be thrilled, but once the cruiser champion makes his way out, the chairman's attitude changes. He's decided to put up 'Swoggle for adoption. A childless couple, the Koskies, and their attorney (all paid actors), come down. 'Swoggle pulls down the pants of the prospective father, and bites the woman's butt, chasing them from the ring. Vince throws 'Swoggle out of the arena.

Now, it's time for the comedy stylings of Triple H, who owns up to being the interior decorator in Vince's office, complete with unicorn. Several "Jack" references, including the "Genetic Jackhammer" and Jack Daniels, and plenty of sex jokes that reference Smurfs, the Wizard of Oz, and Snow White & The 7 Dwarves, as well as that well known breakfast cereal. However, fun & games are ending, as the next match is about to start.....

Match 3: Triple H vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (non-title handicap match) This actually deserved more time than it got, to tell you the truth. Murdoch busted out a blockbuster neckbreaker, which barely connected, and got a 2. Unfortunately, that and a jumping heel kick by Cade were the only highlights for the tag champs. Carlito came out to the ramp to cheer them on, but to no avail. Once Cade was isolated, HHH put him away with just the Arn Anderson turnaround spinebuster. Winner: Triple H.

Carlito ran in after and they tripled on HHH until Brian Kendrick & Paul London ran in and chased off the champs. Carlito ate a spinebuster of his own. London & Kendrick got to shake hands with Hunter, but his idea of gratitude is a pair of pedigrees to the former WWE tag champs.

Beth Phoenix, unsuccessful last night at Unforgiven, is at ringside for the next match. And, looky here, Jillian found a tag team partner after all.....

Match 4: Melina & Jillian Hall vs. Candice Michelle & Mickie James Beth did exactly nothing of note during the match. Mickie was face in peril for most of the match, but fought off Melina & Jillian long enough to tag in Candice, who hit a Northern Lights suplex on Melina for a near fall. Jillian saved, but after being tagged in a short time later, might have had second thoughts, because the women's champ promptly silenced Britney-lite with the Candi-Wrapper (Unprettier). Winners: Candice Michelle & Mickie James.

Post-match, Phoenix presented Candice with the title belt by thrusting it into the champion's shoulder, then smirked. Rematch is coming, to be sure.

With "The Condemned" about to hit stores on DVD tomorrow, they're rehashing the promo videos they ran earlier this year when it came out in theatres.

Vince tries to pick Coach's brain about the identity of John Cena's opponent. Coach really isn't going to spill. They think that they've "scarred Hornswoggle for life", but as the limo pulls away, the trunk opens to reveal the cruiserweight champion waving at Coach. I guess 'Swoggle will now cross-over between Raw & Smackdown.

Announced for next week: Triple H vs. Carlito in a steel cage.

Match 5: John Cena vs. Santino Marella (non-title) So this was Marella's better idea. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Marella was squashed, but Randy Orton ran in for the deliberate DQ. They doubled on Cena, then Orton handcuffed him to the bottom rope. Winner: John Cena via DQ.

Coach came out and of course said he neglected to inform Cena that he needed to pin Marella or make him tap to negate Orton's match. Naturally, that squash is next.