Vince then calls out Hornswoggle, who comes dancing out without the cruiser title. Vince "reconciles" with 'Swoggle, then introduces him to Melina. I don't like the smell of this, either. The insane chairman sets up 'Swoggle & Melina for a night on the town.

Coach then reveals that William Regal is expected back next week to resume his duties as GM. However, Coach wants the job for himself full-time. That brings out Cena, and despite the warning, he plows through the security (they didn't learn anything, did they) and tackles Coachman & McMahon in one fell swoop. They flee, and McMahon announces that there will be a championship surrender ceremony, with Coach given the task of deciding Cena's fate. This is why Raw needs to end the era of heel GM's.

Match 1: Cody Rhodes vs. Hardcore Holly Holly's been activated from the disabled list, and cuts a promo on Rhodes pre-match, saying that Cody should be in a boy band. Not funny. Not much to the match, either, as Cody was all but squashed. He who hesitates is lost, and Cody waited too long on a springboard clothesline, so Holly sidesteps him, then hits a spinning Alabama Slam for the win. Winner: Hardcore Holly.

Stone Cold Steve Austin is at an autograph signing for DVD copies of "The Condemned", with a huge crowd.

Randy Orton interviewed via video. He calls Cena a phony. Please, that's the pot calling the kettle black. He claims Cena pretended to go berserk at Unforgiven. Stop with the excuses, Randall, you're the one who started this. Stop denying that you're the one who's in the wrong. He claims he'll finally win at No Mercy. I really believe he's in the building.

Match 2: Santino Marella (w/Maria) vs. Ron Simmons Damn! They gave Simmons a warm-up match on Heat last weekend to set up this spot. Unfortunately, Marella comes across weaker than a bag of worms, as rather than collect another feather in his cap by beating a former World champion (which Simmons is), Marella preferred to run. Simmons set up Marella for a snake eyes, but Marella slipped out and left the ring. At the count of six, he grabbed Maria and fled up the ramp. The Jets & Sharks have disavowed any knowledge of Marella ever applying to join their gangs. Winner: Ron Simmons via countout.

Back to the videotape we go. Diva limbo, won by Taryn. Next is a revamped Diva obstacle course, which goes online tomorrow.

Melina is backstage with Jillian Hall, and she reveals that she made a deal with Coach (what a shock) to go out with Hornswoggle in exchange for a title shot vs. Candice Michelle. She claims she needs 15 showers (Jillian thinks there might be more) to clean up after 'Swoggle jumped on her earlier.

Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch have a title defense later vs. Paul London & Brian Kendrick. The Highlanders arrive and request a title match. Lance says they'd love to, but it's Coach's call. Rory suggests a kilt-on-a-pole match, then he & Robbie show the champs what is under their kilts. Lance is repulsed, but Trev thinks it's nice. Oh, please. Smell a heel turn for the Scots.

Match 3: Triple H vs. Carlito & Vince McMahon (handicap cage match) The insane chairman inserted himself into this match, perhaps reading all the negative commentaries about his real-life son-in-law after last week's show. For Vince, it's his first match since One Night Stand, and quite frankly, it's his ego that keeps him from retiring from competition altogether. This is one of those deals where you can win by escape as well as pin or tapout. Naturally, you can guess which path McMahon wants to take. He keeps trying to escape, and before the break, Helmsley crotched him on the top rope. Carlito, though, gave HHH a low blow to even the sides and took control as we came back from break. However, that didn't last very long, as Helmsley rallied. He had Vince primed for the pedigree, but Carlito blocked it with a backstabber. McMahon climbed the cage one final time. Helmsley met him at the top and kicked Carlito away twice, but ultimately, the chairman squirmed free and made his way down to cash in his own selfish guarantee. Winners: Carlito & Vince McMahon.

Post-match, HHH destroyed Carlito, who juiced. Maybe Vince was better off jobbing.

Match 4: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. Brian Kendrick & Paul London (non-title) The Highlanders are at ringside doing some "scouting". They lost to London & Kendrick on Heat, and the frustration of many months of playing JTTS has taken its toll on the Scots. Way too short because of angle advancement. London hit a spinning plancha to eliminate Cade. Kendrick hit Sliced Bread #2 on Murdoch, and that's when the McAllisters jumped in, heel turn completed. Winners: Brian Kendrick & Paul London via DQ.

The Highlanders beat down London & Kendrick, then left. Well, Raw is short on heel tag teams......

Melina is in the shower. Hornswoggle is just outside, and puts the towel on his head. Melina takes it, but then she sees 'Swoggle and freaks out. The chase is on, but this time, 'Swoggle's doing the chasing. He takes Melina's towel, leaving her "naked" and headed for parts unknown!

Vince is bragging about his win, which is worth 200 out of date green stamps if you asked me, to Coach. He claims to have a psychological and physical edge. Right. Coach leaves, and Vince hastily packs his bags, proving that despite what he told Coach, he's scared of reprisals.

More "Condemned" footage.

To stroke the executive ego some more, they replay the conclusion of the cage match. Talk about overkill. Backstage, Vince is about to leave, but Hunter's waiting for him. A singles match is made for next week. Hmmmm.

Match 5: Jeff Hardy & Candice Michelle vs. Shelton Benjamin & Beth Phoenix Jeff has some light sticks in his sleeves that he passes out to some lucky ringsiders. We're in Candice's hometown, Milwaukee, and if you follow Raw, you know what that means. Very even match from start to finish. Jeff & Candice pulled out the old Hardy Boyz Poetry in Motion bit, but that was the last bit of offense for the faces. Benjamin pulled Hardy out of the ring and gave him a straight thrust kick to the head. Phoenix put herself right back in the title hunt, finishing off the women's champ with a fisherman buster. Winners: Shelton Benjamin & Beth Phoenix.

Coach is with some "reporters" backstage. Orton's suspension isn't as indefinite as you'd think, just 24 hours. He wishes he would've done to the elder Cena what Orton did last week, and sounds like a man that will indeed strip Da Champ of the title. If there's justice in this world, someone will punish this poser.

Back from commercial, and Coach is in the ring with the rent-a-cops. Cena comes out. Shortly after that, a referee comes down and whispers something to Lillian Garcia. Just as Coach is about to formally strip Cena of the title---and really, that is wrong for any number of reasons---, Lillian announces that "by order of Mr. McMahon", Cena will not be stripped, and instead gets Coach in a table match!

Match 6: John Cena vs. Jonathan Coachman (table match-non-title) Cena summed it up best when he barked into the mic that Coach doesn't know anything about respect. Instant squashola. Coach gets pummeled and locked in the STFU, then FU'd through the table. Good night! Winner: John Cena.

Remember when Vince said Hornswoggle had authority to make decisions? Well, guess who's at the base of the ramp after the match? The author of this sudden turn of events, the cruiserweight champion himself, Hornswoggle. Cena acknowledges him and thanks him. Now, Vince has 3 enemies to deal with: Cena, 'Swoggle, & HHH. Oh, what a potent combo that would be!